Galaxies Are Merely Puddles
by TheBlueFoxtrot A Samba
Summary: Weapon X is all about exotic, new places. "Wait, so we just hopscotched across the galaxy to end up in Sea World? I get unlimited Shamu access?"
1. The First Twenty Minutes

Disclaimer: I'll get back to y'all on that.

* * *

Colonel William Stryker was a military-minded man all about gold, glory, and…well, not so much God. His sole task in life, it seemed, was to achieve his own agendas which seemed to have everyone within the sound of his voice acknowledge some inherent superiority and obey him. The man was always a condescending pratt, but since the U.S government had chosen him and his 'special' team – his Weapon X – for a high profile, very top secret expedition mission, his ego had doubled as the days went by.

His pride wasn't completely unwarranted. Colonel Stryker commanded a rather elite strike force of skilled and colorful soldiers. They stood out as an odd, ragtag group among Army camouflage, Air Force blue, and drab gray and tan of the scientists from twelve different countries. The only ones who actually looked as if they belonged to any military branch was an Asian man in a green jumpsuit and a baby-faced blond. The other four apparently adopted their own brand of uniform: casual warfare. One even wore a cowboy hat.

While the rest of the expedition rushed around them in a whirlwind of activity and preparation, they stood and watched. Loading cargo was not in their job description, and none of the other personnel seemed inclined to bother the newcomers, one of whom was twirling a foot-long knife like it was a baton.

"Am I the only excited here?" he asked his team in general, knife spinning faster around his hand.

"Don't start, Wilson," John Wraith, cowboy, warned.

"What? It's a legitimate question, and I was only wondering, who else is excited. I took this job so I could travel to new places and meet interesting people."

"I thought you joined to avoid a prison sentence," Chris Bradley, the baby face, interjected.

"Zero, I know you are," Wade Wilson said to the Asian, completely ignoring the youngest member of the six man team. "Whole new galaxy with new species of humanoid life forms to shoot. Must be a dream come true."

"Keep talking," he said, standing at attention and not sparing him a glance, "and you'll get to be the first to make my dream happen."

A mischievous gleam entered Wade's eyes. He threw the knife at Zero. The marksman caught the blade by the handle as its owner snickered. Taking the knife more firmly in hand, he was about to drive it into the other's man head when John grabbed his shoulder.

"Easy, boys. Ya gonna kill each other, wait 'til there's less witnesses."

Zero only had his murderous glare trained on Wilson and returned the knife in the same matter given. Wade plucked it out of the air easily and slid it into its sheath.

"Aim was a little wide there, Shooter. Guess guns are the only thing you're good at."

"Boy, I saved your life once today," John said, backing away from both of them, "I suggest you shut your mouth 'cause I got no intention of doin' it again."

The other two members who'd remained quiet all the while glanced at one another. The tallest at six foot six, Victor seemed resignedly amused by them. He had to be that or homicidally irritated. Logan, shorter by a foot, rolled his head, popping vertebra and inching closer to the former emotion. His half-brother watched him, waiting for him to make the first move before he followed cue. That way, when Stryker was whining about the blood and everything, he could blame it on 'instinctive reaction', a tried and true excuse.

"Can I have everyone's attention, please?" a woman shouted and came to stand on the platform leading up to the Stargate, saving an untold number of lives. A drone vehicle sat idle behind her.

She went on to give a rousing speech, crediting their various cultures and bravery. Within Weapon X, they expressed varying degrees of interest in the speech that reflected the general reaction of the rest of the crowd. Chris was appropriately attentive like a proper cadet while the two brothers did a good impression of listening. Zero glared at Wade, willing his hostility to become some kind of dark spectre and set the other man ablaze who paid the speech attention when he wasn't distracted by picking the dirt from under his nails and ignoring being glared. John was busy making sure none of them stabbed or shot anyone, each other included.

"…as all of you know, we may never be able to return home."

_That_ got Wade's attention. He frowned and looked to his comrades.

"That was _not_ in the briefing. I am not okay with this. If I knew this was gonna be permanent, I woulda gotten more_ Golden Girls _material on my ipod."

He was summarily ignored.

"I'd like to offer you all one last chance to withdraw your participation."

His hand eased up. Colonel Stryker caught his eye and stared him down. He lowered his hand and pouted. No one backed down. The woman, Dr. Weir, looked over them all with a pleased smile.

"Begin the dialing sequence," she said and stepped down from the platform.

The room was once again a flurry of activity and excitement, and this time, they added a siren to the cacophony. Above it all, something drew Victor's attention, and he nudged Logan. Wade watched them watch – and presumably listen – to the colonel deliver some kind of warning – Wade was very experienced with that expression – to an Air Force officer with boy band hair. Whatever his reply was made Logan and Victor snicker. And if something made _those two_ laugh, it was probably epic. (If something ever made Zero laugh, a lot of people had probably just died.) Wade had just found out that he might be cut off from the entirety of his Bea Arthur collection; he _needed _a laugh right now.

"What just happened? What'd he say?"

"Go ask," Logan answered, jerking his head directionally.

Wade assumed he meant ask the flyboy because asking the colonel would have resulted in a particular manner of undue punishment over a little bout of harmless curiosity. Before he could, the colonel signaled for them to come, and there was no way for him to ask without Stryker glaring at him. So he went, like a good soldier, with much grumbling under his breath and helped strap on the colonel's gear, somehow able to keep his mouth shut during that at least.

Circles spun within the bigger circle that was the Stargate. Lights glowed from it, and the buzzer kept blaring. After a few minutes, it geared up with a mechanical whine, and the circle changed from an arc through which the wall could be seen to a blue mass. A surge of cerulean energy surged out of it like a fist of water, only to be quickly sucked back in, and it stabilized into a window of liquid blue. The room erupted in cheers and applause while most of the Weapon X team remained impassive.

"Yeah," Wade muttered. "That's not weird and unnatural at all. No offense, guys."

Much of his excitement had been stifled by the news of their probably never returning. Nothing killed his mood more than Bea withdrawal. (Except for taco joints getting blown up and bad chimichangas.)

Chris, as the newbie, was suitably awed by the display.

The drone vehicle was sent through, and everyone waited anxiously for the word to proceed. It only took mintues before Colonel Stryker was barking orders, having been given the go by central command. Naturally, Weapon X was set to go through the gate first.

"Nervous?" Wade asked Chris, noticing his fleeting glances for the exit sign.

"We're about to jump through a portal that's supposed to send us to another planet in another galaxy that we probably won't be able to use to get back home. Why should I be nervous?"

"That's the spirit!"

Dr. Weir announced that they'd be going in together, and to his surprise, the colonel allowed it. Logan and Victor eyed her from behind appreciatively, and Chris nodded to her while John touched the brim of his hat. Wade and Zero paid her no mind, both focused on the feel and heft of their respective weapons in hand.

Dr. Weir stood at the gate and looked back with a final nod of farewell. None of the members Weapon X never even thought to. They stepped through.


	2. Welcome to Atlantis

The Stargate delivered them to a large room, three times the size as the one they left. The ceiling was somewhere far above their heads in the dark inkiness of the muted lights. The further they went in, the more lights began to come on, and the building generators hummed quietly, sending a pulse through the floor under their feet.

Weapon X looked to Chris as one. The electropath shrugged as much as one could with a P-90 pressed to one shoulder.

"It wasn't me. The place must have sensors."

"Like clap-on-clap-off lights?" Wade asked.

Chris opened his mouth to correct him and explain a more accurate version. Then he remembered just who this was and said,

"Yes. Like that."

At the colonel's order, all military personnel spread out through the compound, securing all rooms against any enemy threat. Every room yielded the same results. All were empty. While a few would stay behind in the cleared chambers, Weapon X continued to branch out further.

Logan and Victor split off together at the crossroads of a hall, a small group following. John nodded to Zero, and they took a squad as well. That left Chris and Wade to go their own way. At this point, the swordsman was becoming very pessimistic about the mission, fearing that there would be nothing to do but wander around an abandoned building with a bunch of guys. With each new hall and room, his mood soured more and more.

"There had better be hot alien chicks. Otherwise, stuff's gonna go down up in this piece," Wade muttered aloud, swinging his swords agitatedly.

One swung a little too close to Chris and he yelped as it neatly split his sleeve from elbow to shoulder.

"Watch it with those!"

"Why don't you watch where you walkin'! You see I got these things, don't you? What is your problem, waltzing into the path of live steel?"

The electropath clenched his teeth together and kept walking. He satisfied his anger with violent thoughts against the other man, and that would have to do. He truly couldn't do anything about it. Be it hand-to-hand combat, blades or guns, Wade was simply the better soldier. And Chris? Well, he could use a flashlight without batteries if he had to. He figured that was why he was here, to help the scientists understand the Ancient's technology. As they'd been exploring, he'd been trying to connect to the electromagnetic pulse of the computer systems, but it was a little overwhelming and frankly not working. It was like trying to equip an '89 Microsoft with the latest Macintosh software.

It wasn't going to happen. Not unless the Microsoft underwent a complete gutting and re-wiring. He was more than a little afraid that the colonel would try it to. Some of the scientists, he recognized from the home base. They were in another galaxy after all. Who would tell Stryker no?

:Dr. Weir, Colonel Stryker. Can you come down and meet me? We're three levels down from you.:

:Right. We'll be right there.:

"Ooh, that's gotta be somethin' interesting," Wade said as poked around a closet. "Wanna check it out?"

Chris narrowed his eyes at him. His mood swings were too sudden to be bipolar disorder. He absolutely knew that Wade had a mental disorder of some kind. The hard part was figuring out which one. Of course, there was also the possibility that Wade suffered from something no one even knew about. When it came to that one, nothing would surprise.

0o0

"We're underwater," Victor stated. He didn't sound particularly happy about it either.

"She just said that," Logan pointed out, nodding toward where Dr. Weir was standing with Major Sheppard – as Stryker had called him earlier – and the colonel himself.

"I hate water."

"Yes, I smelled as much," Wade laughed as he walked toward the glass separating them from the ocean.

Victor growled, his claws extending. Logan made no comment, merely hitting the agitated blond's arm. The claws retracted.

Outside the large window, the water was clear and blue. In the distance, lights glowed, making the water appear warm and hazy. By the lights, a number of towers spiraled up out of the shadow ocean depths.

"Is that more of this building?" Chris asked.

"They think it's a city," Logan shrugged. "Atlantis."

"Wait," Wade pulled back from where he'd been pressed against the glass, "so we just hopscotched across the galaxy to end up in Sea World? I get unlimited Shamu access? Okay, starting not to suck."

One of the scientists called out to Dr. Weir. After an amazed look out the window, he ushered them all away. Victor was already following them, away from the wall of water.

"What's up with that?" Wade asked. "Did they find Ariel and Sebastian too?"

The stocky Canadian turned to Wade. Chris stepped back, out of the way. He knew where this was going. Once – only once – they'd somehow allowed Wade to talk, whine, and beg them into a movie night. To this day, Chris doesn't know how or why – there might have been beer involved, but it was mostly a blocked memory – but for well over an hour, the entirety of the Weapon X strike force had watched Disney's Little Mermaid.

It had been a bizarre experience that they mostly didn't acknowledge as a part of their history together.

"You start singing any of those songs, I won't be responsible for what I do to you. Understand?"

"Oh, come on. You know you like Under the Sea. Honestly, when is that song ever gonna be more appropriate?"

"Don't. Do it."

"I can't do nothing with you people!" he exclaimed, scuffing the toe of his boot against the floor.

"Come on," Chris sighed. "Let's keep looking."

Once again sullen, Wade skulked off with him.

0o0

Colonel Stryker, Major Sheppard, Dr. Weir, and two other men – likely doctors or scientists: they smelled sterile – Victor didn't know were gathered around a life-sized hologram of a woman, supposedly one of these Ancients. According to the briefing, they were the first ones of humanity, a very powerful and intelligent people. They built the Stargates, this city, and possibly many others like it.

And from what the hologram was saying, an enemy had popped up and nearly destroyed all of them. The scientists seemed amazed more by the technology, while the mouthy major's thoughts seemed elsewhere. The colonel looked to Victor who sent a bored glance back.

"So this is really the Atlantis," one of the scientists said, "The great city that sank in the ocean. The ancient Greeks must have heard the story from one of the surviving Ancients."

Victor heard him before he saw him, but another scientist brushed past him to whisper something in the American doctor's ear. Naturally, he heard every word, and his eyes narrowed in a frown.

"I am more concerned with the fact that these people were attacked and defeated," Colonel Stryker announced, dampering their excitement slightly.

Yeah, that was Colonel William Stryker: expert mood killer.

"Let's see it again from the beginning," the doctor said in a thick Irish accent, stepping back onto the platform.

"Stop! Shut it off," the first doctor ordered – he should really learn their names or assign them proper labels; Doc One – and rushed for the door, "Power levels throughout the city are dropping like a stone."

"Meaning what?"

"That if we don't stop everything we're doing right now, we're dead."

This dire prediction only caused Victor another surge of irritation. He hadn't killed one single person since the mission began, and now they were suddenly going to die? Unlikely as anything killing him or his brother was, the situation was sure to be an inconvenience. With little else to do, he followed, scowling in annoyance.


	3. Meeting the Athosians

The moment the colonel ordered the military personal to return to the Gate Room, John Wraith, or Kestrel, teleported himself and Zero there, just out of sight of the rest. A few dozen civilians with a handful of soldiers milled about, setting up a command area and paying their entrance no minZero wasn't much of a talker, and Kestrel didn't much like him, a mutually understood fact. Rather than stand next to him in uncomfortable silence, Kestrel went up to the main control room to find out what was happening. Creed was already there, and he did not look happy. Usually, the volatile mutant was in an almost constant state of calm amusement which could turn into almost serene moments of homicidal mania. But if he was _unhappy_, then everyone in his general vicinity should tread lightly.

The civilian scientists were worrying about power sources for the city. On one of the HUD screens, Kestrel saw what he assumed was a layout of the city, one section blinking orange, and that probably wasn't a good thing. They talked about several things he didn't understand simply because he came in at the middle of the discussion. He did, however, understand the gist of it when the more panicked scientist quietly muttered about 'using power' when a younger one started up the Stargate.

Dr. Weir ordered Colonel Stryker to assemble a team and send a team through the Stargate to find a power source or a new base of operations, whichever came first. He did, if only because he was going to anyway. As John and Creed followed their chief officer out of the control room, they heard Dr. Weir tell Major Sheppard to go with them. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Colonel Stryker heard as well and appeared to be even more unpleased than usual.

* * *

In short order, Weapon X, an extra team, and Major John Sheppard had stepped through the Stargate to another world of pitch black night. All but Victor and Logan wore night-vision goggles as they spread out over the area surrounding the now inactive gate. The field they found themselves in was clear, and they proceeded to the forest at the edge of it.

A movement from the forest caught Wade's attention a moment before the major signaled for a halt. Sheppard signaled again for them to advance cautiously and for Wade to come with him towards the trees. As they near, a small person darted out, saw them, and froze like a deer caught in front of a Mack truck. Or a boy caught in front of two soldiers with assault rifles.

Five seconds after the first boy, another came flying out of the forest and tackled him, apparently not noticing the strange men with weapons all pointed at them. Soon after that, yet another person came running out of the woods, this one a full grown man. After clearing the situation up, Colonel Stryker had the man happily leading them to their village to discuss 'trading'.

Wade was a curious fellow, in every sense of the word. It was a selective curiosity in that he didn't want to know the deep, dark secrets of the universe. Once, he _did_ want to know how long it'd take a man to bleed out of a single, deep cut properly cleansed in alcohol and blood thinner; the Weapon X project good for inquiring minds like his. Other times, he merely wanted to know what a guy with such fluffy hair – the military as a general rule frowned upon hair– who was supposed to be Air Force major - judging by his patches - was doing in the Pegasus Galaxy.

He picked up the pace of his march and all but shoved the boy – Juno or something – who was gazing up at Sheppard with unbridled curiosity away. Unknowingly, the look he gave the startled major mirrored the child's almost completely.

"So how'd you get stuck with this gig?"

"I sat in a chair," he said ruefully. "You?"

"Well, it's a long story actually. It started when I was in Morocco for my ex-girlfriend's wedding. You ever been to Morocco, Major?"

"Yeah, it was…okay. I wasn't exactly there for a wedding though."

"I gotcha. See, the day my father Odin banished me from Asgard, I was bitten by a vampire – _not_ a sparkly one, mind you - and my mutant ability to control blow stuff up activated just as I was hit by a blast of gamma radiation. Nah, actually, I volunteered for this whole Weapon X thing and when the colonel says jump through a wormhole... I did get cake though."

Wade finished his story with a happy grin, reminiscing on the experience. John stared at him then turned away slowly. The cowboy walked by, scanning the area.

"The less you talk to him, the longer you stay sane," he said and kept on walking.

* * *

Halling introduced them to Teyla Emmagan, the apparent leader of these people who seemed to be something like nomads if the tents were any indication. The colonel clearly exuded the idea that he was less than impressed with them as a whole, and Sheppard seemed to take it upon himself to try and keep things civil when Teyla informed them that they didn't trade with strangers.

"Well, then, we'll just have to get to know each other. Me, um, I like Ferris wheels and college football. Oh and anything that goes more than two hundred miles per hour."

Wade was blatantly amused by the fact that Sheppard threw out words that must seem like random nonsense to these people. He told Sheppard as much, quietly and barely moving his lips.

"Anytime you wanna jump in here. Just tryna break the ice."

And since he'd been given permission to talk, of course he was going to take advantage of the situation.

"In that case. I like Dragunov rifles best because of the name. I mean seriously. _Dragunov_. I like green Skittles best, and even though Bea Arthur owns my heart, I am still very available," he added suggestively.

Colonel Stryker gave them both a narrow-eyed look when Teyla came to a decision.

"Each morning before dawn our people drink a stout tea to brace us for the coming day," she said. "Will you join us?"

"I love a good cup of tea," Sheppard smiled. "Now there's another thing you know about me," he grinned at Stryker and Kestrel who rolled his eyes. "We're practically friends already."

She invited them all to sit and the discussion went on from there.

* * *

The next morning, Colonel Stryker, Major Sheppard, Kestrel, and Wade met with Teyla and one of her men, Toran. The younger man kept glaring at him, and Wade hoped more than a little that he'd make a move. So far, aside from Teyla and Shamu world, he wasn't that impressed with the Pegasus Galaxy.

He sat cross-legged on a plush cushion, talking as little as he could manage. Whenever he began to ramble on, Stryker would signal Kestrel who would subtly dig the knife he'd palmed into Wade's side. He'd quickly clamp his mouth shut and squirm away, glaring at his stoic comrade. Unlike some freakish members of his team, he didn't have a healing factor. So he sullenly slurped his tea as obnoxiously as he could.

"What can you tell us about that city down in the valley?" Colonel Stryker demanded.

"It has been abandoned for generations," Toran answered. "The Ancestor's city is not safe."

"I'm sure we can handle it."

"Not if the Wraith come."

"Kestrel's family?" Wade couldn't help but ask. "Ow."

He winced, sure Kestrel had nicked him that time. It stung like a paper cut.

"Who are the Wraith?" Stryker asked.

Toran blinked and looked at Teyla, both shocked.

"We…have never met anyone who did not know," Teyla said slowly.

The colonel only shrugged.

"If the Wraith have never touched your world, you should go back there."

"There's the problem, ma'am," Kestrel said. "We can't and now we've gone and gotten ourselves into some trouble. Might need a safe place to stay."

She considered them all a moment before answering.

"We have long believed that the Wraith will return if we venture into the old city, but it is a belief we have not tested in…quite some time."

Condescension fairly rolling off of him, Stryker turned his lips up into a quick, false smile and nodded. Standing, he clearly dismissed the conversation as over.

"Gentlemen."

Sheppard and Kestrel followed the colonel out of the tent, but Wade chose to decide that he hadn't been addressing him when he'd spoken. Now no longer under threat of a thousand cuts of death, he smiled happily at the two Athosians.

"I thought they'd never leave. So what kinds of weapons do you guys have?"

* * *

Teyla told him of the banto rods, swords, and knives they used, but she truly wished to speak of other things with him. Out of them all, Wilson seemed more likely to let information slip, information that could be important that the colonel would not tell her.

So while Sheppard, Stryker, and Kestrel talked outside, Teyla took the opportunity to speak with the more talkative of the strange men. What she did not know was that Wade Wilson was most definitely the strangest of them as well.

"And all of your people. They are military?"

"A lot of us on the expedition, yeah. I can't tell you the exact number 'cause of security reasons and I wasn't really listening if they said how many."

"As I understand it, the military has different ranks, different titles having different responsibilities and power. What is your rank in this military?

"I technically don't have one. See, me and my team are a little different from these guys. I guess we could be called agents probably…that part was never really clarified during orientation."

"Please, tell me about your team."

"Well, our John's cool, uh, Kestrel. He's like Clint Eastwood mixed with Shaft except he's not bald, but he's still a bad mother-shut-yo-mouth. Then Chris is the new kid who is slowly but surely becoming less of the gullible, wide-eyed pansy he was when he first came to us. Zero is that one emotionless Asian guy…he's…he just needs to die in a fiery helicopter explosion already."

"I…see."

"Yeah. Do you have any sugar to go with this tea?"

"I am sorry, we do not."

"Oh. There's Logan and Victor too. They're what the Bash Brothers would be if they were war-mongering, immortal Homo superiors instead of Mighty Ducks."

She looked at him as if she were trying to assimilate his words into something sensible, but it was only half-working. Still, Teyla smiled politely.

"Enough about them. Let me tell you about me."

Her smile became slightly strained. She was almost happy when John Sheppard returned, wanting to go to the Ancestor's city. Unfortunately, Wade decided that he was coming with them.


End file.
